I remember a time when many days I would wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach and a dread about the day. I was generally unhappy in my life and had things going on that super charged the normal angst I felt on a day to day basis. I was so on edge and wondered what the thing was that would push me over. It sucked.
Somehow I still managed to get out of bed and function, deal with medical emergencies, and work at a job that often was the cause of my sick feeling in the morning worrying about loans that might not close and the money or new home that people could lose. But that was my life and it became normal, as did my feeling of consistent anxiety. Consequently nothing much improved in my life. It just continued to generally suck with some nice moments with friends and family thrown in.
I felt unable to change anything—I just tried to keep all the balls in the air. I gave some fleeting thought as to what I would like my life to be like, and what it might be like to actually feel good. Nice to think about but how was I going to feel good when I had all this shitty stuff going on? Better to just hang on tight and hope to make it through without some sort of a psychotic episode that lands me in the hospital for a nice vacation—come to think of it, that would have been a smart idea!
Sure, I was well-versed in the principles of the Law of Attraction at the time. I loved the idea of it, and I believed it to be true. What I couldn’t see was it was my reaction to all the stuff going on in my life that was keeping me stuck, unhappy, and anxious. My feeling was, wouldn’t everyone be? I understand now the answer is no everyone wouldn’t be. It is our inner state that causes our reactions to the events in our lives. If we are coming from a place of calm and peace, no matter what goes on in our outer world whether it is sad or sudden and unexpected, we will still feel these things but the calm will be underneath it all. We won’t get stuck in it for an undetermined period of time. We will be able to regain equanimity.
Fortunately for me the Universe delivered a sad but relieving final shake-up to this chapter in my life. My father died and I was laid off (with severance!) from my mortgage processing job all at the same time. This brought on a new kind of panic—dealing with the funeral, settling the matters that ensue after that, and of course not having a job. But there was some freedom in it, some possibilities. So even amidst the panic I was able to see possibilities other than running out to get whatever mortgage or bank job I could find. I took some risks and tried things that didn’t work out, which caused more panic albeit a lesser panic. Little did I know but an inner strength was building that fueled me to continue to try new things to find out what it was I really wanted for my life. When we start doing what makes us feel alive and passionate, the internal struggle starts to fall away, making way for a foundation of peace.
So is my life now all roses and rainbows and ridiculous Hallmark endings? No. But starting to follow what I was passionate about made space in my life to also start doing things to nourish myself, that I couldn’t seem to do when my insides were all knotted up with dreading my life. It starts to creep up on you and one day you realize your reactions have changed. You wake up with a lightness of being, and even when you knock over the green juice you just made and smash it all over the counter and floor, you don’t swear your head off and let it ruin your morning and scare your cat. You think, that’s a drag and then you clean it up.
It can be hard to start making changes when you feel stuck in a situation that seems to have no end in sight and no way to get out of it. It’s hard to see beyond it. But if you can start finding some little bits of peace wherever you can, it will begin to add up. Do a little bit of meditation. Learn a new tool to help you deal with stress and old emotional hurt like EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques—meridian tapping). Take that dance class you have been thinking about, or pick up that hobby you have always been interested in. You don’t have to wait for a Universal shake-up to start. Add some joyous things into your life, some things you are passionate about. Let some peace sneak into your life.